In pursuit of feeling

At the end of the year I usually join hearts and thoughts with women all over the world in reflection of the year past and intention for the year to come. This ritual is part of a holiday council led by a dear friend, and wonderful life coach. 

But in 2015 I did not end the year with my tribe of  soul sisters. 

In business we are constantly creating new goals and “scoring” ourselves on how well we achieved the goals. Our scores are used in ranking us across the organization where there are clear winners and losers in the pursuit of recognition, promotion and pay.

I did end my 2015 with this.


There was a definitive, dissatisfying, ickniness to this imbalance. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to join my sisters in the council, but more that I was looking for another expression of this process as a challenge to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone. But as with many things in life, without the formality, this goal was pushed in the back of my mind as day-to-day, “more pressing” matters arose. Matters like my 2015 annual review that was due the week before Christmas.

While logically I know such structures are important to the corporate world and the rules that govern it, I can’t help thinking that we’re doing it all wrong. It can’t be assumed that those making up our corporations are taking time to also assess how they feel. Taking time to see if their actions aligned with their core values and how to improve that alignment. Or even if they know what their core values are. 

All we can know is that we’re setting arbitrary goals used to then assign a precise value to ourselves. And while it’s not meant to be personal in business, it seems hard to believe that the constant scoring doesn’t impact us as humans. And that this constant feedback loop may be negative to our personal perceptions, and ultimately and actions in and interactions with the world. Maybe it’s all too Polly Anna to think there could be so much more success in business by regaining some of the humanity, insisting on it of our leaders. But it’s something I still feel compelled to chase.

Because I want to feel like I’m more than a number. I want to feel that my leaders see me for more than a cog. I want to feel valued. I want to feel good about the contributions and the time I spend away from my family to serve my company.

But in lieu of any mass corporate upheaval, I’ll continue to chase the balance even if it’s just a one person pursuit. In 2016 I’ve already decided this will need to start by exploring new philosphies and systems in introspection and intention setting. It will need to mean aiming to break out of the paralysis of fear – to instead celebrate it, and recognize good fear as an indication I’m on the right path. That I could be about to make a major breakthrough. That my ego may be scared out of its mind to be lost in evolution on the path to feel more. Feel better. Feel connected.

And the first step has been diving headfirst into The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. Headfirst into the pursuit of feeling more and judging less. Straight into the power of desire.

Wish me luck!